The next few days were critical for Millie. She was extremely sick. I am grateful that at the time, we didn't actually realise just how sick she really was. I don't think I would have be able to keep up our positivity, had I realised how close she was to no longer being with us. She was deteriorating rapidly on the ventilator. Running out of medical options to keep her alive, Millie was moved onto an oscillator. Again, we didn't realised until much later in her life that the oscillator really is a last resort. When we told a nurse she was on one a few weeks ago, she looked shocked and said something that really stuck with me .. "sometimes little miracles just happen"
Our little girl is a miracle. She has taught me so much about life. How precious every day is. How all you need to thrive in live is love, and how lucky we are to have found unconditional love as a family - which will last a lifetime.
After a few days on the oscillator we were told Millie had suffered another pulmonary hemorrhage. The hospital were running out of options, there wasn't much more they could do for her so they discussed with us about transferring her to a higher intensity hospital. This was the hardest decision we have ever had to make. It would be extremely risky to move her in such a critical condition but there was no guarantee she would start to get better where she was... and if she were to get worse, well that wasn't worth thinking about..
We had to get her transferred. It was honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. She had been sedated for a few days to help preserve her energy. As we watched the transportation team move her lifeless, limp body into the travel incubator I tried to remain positive. I made a quick diary entry before she left. All I kept thinking was, we still hadn't held our little baby in our arms.. and if she didn't get through this, we would never be able to. So I set her a target, to be well enough to give us a cuddle on Christmas day.
We stayed with her until the ambulance crew were ready to leave. As I looked through the plastic window, silently praying for a safe journey, I looked into her eyes and saw a tear. Our little girl, who I had never heard make a noise since the day she was born, was crying.. it broke my heart and I collapsed in a chair in floods of tears.
Due to her condition, there wasn't enough room in the ambulance for anyone to go with her. So we watched the crew put her in the back, and the ambulance drive off. As we were leaving the unit, a senior member of the critical care staff ran up and gave me a huge hug. She whispered to me that she was so so sorry they hadn't been able to do anything more for our little girl. It dawned on me that Millie doesn't even have a personality yet, she hasn't spoken or spent time with these people, yet she had already touched so many peoples hearts.
Our little miracle...