And so it begins..
These posts are already getting very difficult to write.. Although I know there is a happy ending eventually, its still extremely difficult to put everything we went through into words. However, I know if I had found a blog from a mum in the same situation as me, I would have found comfort knowing we weren't alone. So even if Millie's story just reaches 1 person, and helps them through 1 tough time in their son / daughter's experience on NICU it will make the pain of writing this out worth it..
Seeing our daughter for the first time after the birth, was one of the most exciting but daunting moments of my life. I had to wait a few hours before I was allowed to see her - But finally the nurses were able to wheel my hospital bed next to Millie's incubator so that I could see her and hold her hand through the incubator door.
She looked so tiny, a bag of bones, with see-through skin. I have no idea how we got through the next few days. As always, my husband was my absolute rock, spending his time between the two of us. Updating me with her progress when I couldn't be with her, and helping me to get backwards and forwards from the unit when I was well enough to start moving around.
Things got really tough, really quick. Early one evening, while I was completely out of it on oramorph, my husband came running into our hospital room saying Millie wasn't well - She had suffered a large pulmonary hemorrhage and was bleeding internally on her lungs. In my drugged up state, I assured him that everything was fine. She wasn't - She was now in a critical condition. Once I came round, reality hit me. I became extremely emotional and clingy to my husband - Not letting him leave my side. I remember bursting into tears in the middle of the hospital cafeteria. Neither of us had ever felt this unbearable pain and suffering before - Helplessness..
Our poor little girl was critically ill and there was nothing we could do to help. All we could do was sit at her incubator side day and night, willing her to get better. At this point, I was so determined to be by Millie's side I had made leaps and bounds in my C section recovery - I was ready to be discharged. However, I couldn't be discharged from high intensity, where I had been for these first few nights. I had to be moved to the maternity ward..
Yep, the maternity ward.. with all the other ladies who have just had their perfect, full term babies.. ready to go home and start living their life as a family. Just in time for Christmas. It tipped me over the edge. I broke down into tears, unable to cope with the thought of seeing another mother cuddle their baby. I wasn't even allowed to touch mine - She was that sick. I managed to get a side room, and set up camp in there until I was allowed to be discharged. The discharge took days, doctors kept missing me as I was spending all of my time on NICU with Millie. Millie's nurses had also noticed we weren't eating or sleeping properly. They would bring us biscuits to Millie's bedside - Just so that they could see we were eating something. Eventually, we listened to the nurses pleas to go home and start looking after ourselves, and I went in search of someone to discharge me.
When I eventually got hold of someone, they said another lady had been pestering them to discharge her. She wanted to be home so that she could get ready for her babies first christmas. So my discharge would be delayed. I'm not quite sure how I managed to keep my patience waiting for my turn. Oh, did I also forget to mention, we moved house during all of this?! well.. my parents, sister and her boyfriend had moved us from Bedfordshire, to Nottingham 4 days after Millie was born. So I was discharged to our new, empty house. The house we bought to bring a family up in. Our family, was still in hospital in a critical condition - Unable to get off ventilator support, which was slowly making her sicker